I’ll swashbuckle my way to fortune
Fearing none except the sea
Though I am but a businessman
It’s a pirate’s life for me

I rode astern on Monday morn
Across the seven seas
Down to the accounting office
And said “Yar, listen thee:

I need the budget data for the 2005 software development project
And be quick about it, Lee”
He looked at me and said “but sir,
That won’t be ready for a week”

I had no choice, Lee should have known
(That scurvy-ridden tweed,
He walked the plank from floor 13)
Pirates don’t concede

My ship is but an Altima
I once sailed her cross country
I’m worried about the gas prices
But they’re sure not stopping me

Perhaps you wonder why
A pirate (yours truly)
Has found himself working
In this corporate bureaucracy

And not slashing, shouting, sailing
And drinking merrily
With my crew of buccaneers
Plundering carefree

Well, the reason I’m not pirating
As these very words I speak
Is because of a slight complication:
I forgot where me treasure be

So if perchance you come across
My chest full of booty
You can call me during regular office hours
At (918) 242-5793

The year is 2023 and giant alien robots rule the earth. After being forced into early retirement from professional basketball by a family tragedy, Johnny “Hook” Conami (Vin Diesel) decides to follow his life-long dream of becoming an interstellar space pirate. When a deep space mission goes wrong, Hook finds himself in the clutches of his robotic overlords. They force Hook to return to the court and play on their team, and when he finds out that his father (Sean Connery) is still alive, Hook must confront him to find out what really happened to his family. After falling in love with the android queen, EK4-12 (Jennifer Lopez), Hook must face The King (Ben Affleck) in an epic game of one-on-one streetball with the fate of the universe and true love on the line.

“One of the best films of all time!” – Ryan Sucher, Showtime

“My advice: Go with someone who knows CPR!” – Joel Siegel

“One of the best sci-fi films ever! Extraordinary! A true classic that’s not to be missed! Vin Diesel is ecstatically superb.” – Shawn Edwards, Fox TV

“What did you do at school today, Timmy?”

Mom always asks that stupid question. Sometimes Dad will ask it first, but he has work so he’s not home yet. I think Mom said she was gonna make tuna casserole for dinner tonight. Yuck. Well, it’s ok once you take all the peas out. Billy told me today that one time he stuck two peas so far up his nose that he couldn’t get them out, and when he told his mom she made him go to the doctor’s so he could get them out. Billy is one of my best friends, except for the time when we dumped jello in Emily Nelson’s backpack. I got in trouble for it because he told the teacher that it was all my idea. But we’re friends again now.

I brought my new Green Ranger to school today. It’s pretty much the coolest one, except maybe the white one. It comes with a sword and gun and everything. Miss Willington took it away when I was playing with it under my desk during math. She always sees stuff like that. I was worried all day but she gave it back to me before we went home. At recess Greg found a frog, so we chased the girls around with it for awhile until Ms. Green made us stop. Freddie says that Ms. Green is a werewolf because she has all these little black hairs on her chin, but I think he’s making it up.

There was a spelling test today. I knew most of the words but Kyle kept trying to cheat off me so I handed mine in fast before I could check over it. Mom got mad at me last time I did bad on a spelling test, she thinks I could be really smart if I tried more in school, but I don’t think it’s worth it. I want to be a roller coaster designer when I grow up anyways, and they don’t need to spell much.

For lunch we had hot dogs. They were green like usual, which is gross because I normally like hot dogs. I wish my mom would pack me lunch like Billy’s mom always does. Billy gave this first-grader an Indian burn today. It was pretty funny because his arm turned all red and you could tell he was trying not to cry, but then he did anyways when we told him that his arm was going to stay red forever.

I had to go to the nurse’s office when I accidentally shut my finger in the door and it started bleeding. It hurt real bad, but I pretended like it didn’t so no one would make fun of me. I hate the nurse’s office. It always smells weird and Mrs. Feeny isn’t very nice. This one time Kyle told me something really mean that she did to him, but I can’t tell it because I pinky swore that I wouldn’t.

Tommy is usually the school bully, but he was wearing a cast on his leg today so he was nicer than usual. He wouldn’t tell anyone how it happened but I heard that he got in a fight with a gorilla at the zoo. Tommy is always coming to school with bruises and stuff, but they just make him look scarier. One time he had a black eye and when the teacher asked him what happened he started crying. I think I was the only person who saw, but then he looked up at me and gave me a real mean look so I ran away. Since he was being nice for a change I signed his cast and drew a cat on it. When I was six I broke my arm and had to wear a cast for a long time, so I know how it feels. They didn’t have any blue ones, which is my favorite color, so I had to get boring old white instead. I remember we played volleyball in gym class when I had my cast and Mr. Tolatta wouldn’t let me play but I wanted to because I knew I’d be able to hit the ball really far with my cast.

Greg told this really funny joke at lunch today and it made Jenny squirt milk out of her nose. The joke was about three people at the top of a cliff and a watch and some stuff. Greg knows lots of funny jokes. This one time he brought these cards with pictures of naked ladies on them to school and got in really bad trouble and had to go to Principal Sophworth’s office. They called his mom and she was really mad. I don’t really like going over to Greg’s house because his mom always looks sick and walks around really fast and doesn’t make us snacks. Greg told me once that his mom was a zombie and that’s why she looks like that and gets a lot of nosebleeds, and that since he’s half person and half zombie that he has to eat brains sometimes.

On the bus ride home Billy sat with me and we played with his Sonic the Hedgehog toys. He’s always Knuckles, but I got to be Super Sonic today so it was ok. Us two and that weird girl named Melissa are the last people on the bus, so we always move all the way to the back where the fourth-graders sit after everyone else gets let off. Today Billy went so high when we hit that big bump near his house that his head hit the ceiling. The bus driver yelled at him like she always does. I wish I could be a grown up so that I could yell at people and get away with it. Billy got let off and then after we drove down the road a little I could see my house. My mom was standing in the yard watering the garden, and when I got off she hugged me and asked “what did you do at school today, Timmy?”